Jun 1, 2020
Episode Title: “Relationship Chaos” By Tracy Kenela, M.A., LMHC,
CRC, CEDS, ACHT of Lokahi Counseling
Intro: Tracy Kenela is the founder of Lokahi Counseling and
Calming the Chaos Podcast. In this episode, Tracy interviews
Psychologist Jared DeFife of Dynamic Counseling and Consulting in
Atlanta, Georgia. Dr. DeFife offers help to those who are
struggling with being in a relationship where one or both partners
struggle with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
Jared and Tracy discuss ADHD, how it can present as chaos in
relationships, and how the relationship chaos can be effectively
managed.
- About Jared: He’s a psychologist in Atlanta Georgia,
“Recovering Academic” and has been doing private practice for 6
years now. He struggles with ADHD himself, and specializes in
offering help to those who struggle with ADHD.
- What is it like to have ADHD?
-
- Driving a car through a rainstorm without windshield
wipers
- Operating online with a thousand browser tabs open (and one of
them is playing music)
- Navigating a grocery store without having a plan
- “The Runaway Brain” (when you lose your train of
thought!) – Hopefully it will come back! Or…..it may just run away
and it’s more difficult to put the brakes on.
- What is ADHD
-
- It’s NOT about a deficit of attention (it is an
over-abundance)
- May or may not include hyperactivity
- Can include inattentiveness
- Symptoms fall in 3 realms
- Inattentiveness (concentration problems)
- Hyperactivity or restlessness (internal OR external), mind
racing
- Impulsivity (verbal and behavioral) i.e. driving a car too
fast, spending, overeating, etc.)
- It’s a complex neurodevelopmental disorder that affects
executive functioning center of the brain; the self-managing,
conductor of the trainof the brain, and carries through the
lifespan
- It is a “heritable” condition – one of the most genetically
heritable conditions (so you can inherit it)
- Relationships, ADHD and Chaos: Some of the signs
-
- Chris Rock: “You’re not dating that person, you’re dating their
representative!”
- A lot of excess drive, stimulation, motivation at the beginning
of a relationship
- “I met this charming guy who was wonderful when we first dated,
but then we moved in together and he disappeared!”
- A lot of hyper-focus on the relationship at first
- When regular life sets in (paying bill on times remembering an
anniversary, buying gifts, planning a dinner date, figuring out
what to watch on TV, making the bed, doing the laundry, etc.)
- Forgetting important things, being overly focused on things
that are not important, or cannot make decision.
- Problems that can occur with ADHD and Executive
Functioning:
- Activation and Organization: “The ignition switch in the car”
that helps you get going doesn’t work properly.
- Focus: An Inability to focus on homework, but they CAN focus on
a video game where there is a lot of action and many rewards.
- Alertness: It takes more effort to be aware. There may also be
sleep problems, and problems waking up. “The driver in the car is
awake at night and asleep during the day.”
- Emotion: Difficulties regulating intense emotions, especially
frustration and irritation
- Memory: Remembering to remember member
- Action Monitoring: Difficulties monitoring self to do and
finish tasks, hard to manage time and monitor action in
relationships.
All of these can impact relationships!
- Common problems that can occur in relationships when one or
more partners have ADHD:
- Partner forgets to pay a bill – it can affect the other
partner’s credit score
- Partner feels chaos and extra stress / overwhelm
- Partner feels like ADHD feels contagious to the non-struggling
partner “It’s catching!”
- Substance Abuse
- Verbal abuse when emotions are high
- Frustration on both parties
- Divorces are more common with those who struggle with ADHD
- Partner has to be in a car with ADHD Driver with Road Rage
- Raising the kids may be problematic
- “It’s like I’m living with a child.” Partner thinks they
- “He’s an insuffering narcissist who doesn’t care”
- Techniques for couples who have one or more partners with
ADHD
-
- Think of ADHD as a gift: There are some benefits, such as being
able to focus for prolonged periods of time, charisma, divergent
thinking, ability to be direct in communication)
- Having an awareness of what ADHD is, and how it can present in
relationships
- Bringing the struggling partner’s awareness to the problem
- Going to therapy (visit someone like Jared!) and setting
boundaries and limits
- Increase awareness of the complexity of the brain disorder
- Think like a behaviorist (using planners, reminder methods and
skills)
- Emotional Management: Awareness of beliefs and constructs and
self-limiting or overly optimistic beliefs about self and the
world
- Education: Helping the one who struggles realize the complexity
of ADHD
- Communication and interpersonal strategies
- Theory of mind, mentalization, the ability to take the
perspective of the other person
- Medication – This is a decision between person and doctor. It
can be highly effective, especially if used when learning emotional
/ cognitive coping skills.
- Nutrition (See “Helping the Hangry” Podcast Interviews with
Katie Hart)
- Get an evaluation with a qualified ADHD Evaluator
- Support – Very important to have understanding, knowledge and
education
- Notice irritation, breathe and use skills to manage
- Contact Jared or visit his website: jareddefife.com
@atlantapsychologist. On his website, he has interviews, resources
and information. In the future, may have some courses, so stay
tuned!
Listen to “Calming the Chaos” Podcast by visiting
calmingthechaos.libsyn.com, or visit my Website: at
www.lokahicounseling.com
On my website, there’s a link to a mindfulness CD I created
called “On This Day.” This CD teaches you how to practice
mindfulness in less than 10 minutes throughout the day. Practicing
mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress and increase clear
thinking in times of chaos.
You can purchase the CD on Amazon at http://bit.ly/onthisdaycd.
or in digital format at
https://music.apple.com/us/album/on-this-day/1209386067
Listen to Calming the Chaos!
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Thanks for listening, and take care!